One of the worst times in my life
Life is not without its challenges. My sister told me the other day that I've had my fair share. I believe everyone has challenges in life and you can't say any one person has had it tougher than another because everyone experiences things differently. For example, I have a pretty high physical pain tolerance but I'm crap at dealing with emotional pain. Anyway, I don't want to make this post into a competition or pity party. That's not it's purpose. I'm simply sharing this part of my life because I believe it's what God would like me to do. So many people have been praying for me. Supporting this broken vessel of mine and pouring love all over me. Normally I'm a very private person and I would never let on that I'm not ok. My natural instinct is to blend in and be as 'normal' as I possibly can. I'm learning to let go and let God's glory shine through.
So it turns out that my immune system and gut lining are not friends. Not at all. So much so that my immune system attacks my gut, causing ulcers. Sometimes I feel fine. Sometimes I get flare ups. Anxiety and stress often have a big part to play in the flare ups. I've known for a long time that my gut wasn't normal. I didn't know just how bad it was, though. This is partly because of learning to manage my symptoms mostly through diet and lifestyle. I've learnt so much about nutrition and healing through food and I've experienced so many benefits from the things I've learnt. If I got a flare up, I knew what to do to calm it down and feel ok again. But then there's anxiety- and that isn't as easy to 'calm down'.
I believe another reason that I didn't realise how bad things were was partly because I have a strong 'she'll be right' attitude when it comes to caring for myself. You know how it is...I don't totally neglect my needs, but if there's something else that needs doing or my kids/husband/anyone else that needs caring for then I generally put my own concerns on the back burner. I think most mums do. (I'm definitely not condoning this!) Through my recent health struggles I've realised just how much I've let life and 'stuff' get in the way of really seeing. Really being present. Really knowing who I am. Really knowing what's important.
When I fell pregnant with my little girl last year the obstetrician and GP found I was extremely low on iron. To investigate more I was referred to a Gastroenterologist but he couldn't really do a lot to investigate until after bub was born. She came along in February and the GE gave me a few months to recover before my appointment with him. After my sweet girl was born I felt amazing (apart from the normal new mum tiredness, etc). I had no anxiety. My gut was the best it had been in ages. I had so much energy! At my appointment with the GE he suggested I have a colonoscopy but he wasn't in a hurry for me to do it seeing as I was feeling well. I waited a few weeks, the GE went on holidays, there was a few weeks wait after he got back and by the time I had the procedure it was August. Well, everything moved pretty quick from then on!! The results weren't good. To my surprise my large bowel was in such bad shape that the GE suggested I have it removed the following week or it would become cancerous very soon.
After much prayer and talking with a Naturopath, Intergrative GP and surgeon my husband and I decided to have the surgery. We decided to have a procedure where I have a temporary stoma (wear a colostomy bag) and get everything connected back up eventually so that I can function close to normally again (called a J-pouch). Both Tim and I felt like we had been led by the Lord and we were at peace with this decision. We really valued the advice from the Surgeon and the Integrative GP fostered so much hope for the future, offering support for future healing and even prayed with us. We're so thankful that we were led to make this decision because when the results came back from after my surgery they found two small 'A type' cancers had indeed started to grow in my bowel. It's all removed now and at this stage I won't need any further treatment, they'll just keep an eye on me for the next few years. What a blessing!
The surgery went well. The following day went well. Then they started to give me 'food' (in the shape of Icecream, custard, really sweet yoghurt and jelly) and I got sick. Really sick. Vomiting, shaking, naso-gastric tubes, pain, hot and cold flushes...I can remember just wishing they would put me in a coma. At my worst Tim said I had about 7 different tubes coming out of me. I lost view of everything I was- I didn't think about my kids, my farm, my home, my life before. The only thing I could see was my hospital bed and my sickness. And my God.
Through it all God kept whispering His comforting word to me. The right Bible verse would come to me at the right time. He also surrounded me with His love. Everywhere I looked there was love. In the nurse's sympathy. In the beautiful flower gifts, cards and messages. In friends telling me they loved me. In my children's eager cuddles. In the warm grasp of my husband's hand. God's love pulled me through the toughest part and gave me hope.
I think the reason I went backwards after the operation really just came down to the fact my body wasn't used to all the heavy drugs and sugar I was being fed. I'm a girl who generally lives a chemical free, mostly sugar free, low tox life. I don't even usually take Panadol. Put me in hospital after major surgery, give me a whole heap of drugs and plenty of Icecream and custard and I'm bound to go down hill! Tim would joke with the nurse's that the strongest thing I usually have is green tea! So I had a chat with some very understanding nurses and refused to take a few medications. Each day I got a bit better and found I needed less and less drugs. Don't get me wrong, drugs certainly have their place and yes, I did need some to start with but it's a bit of a trial and error thing to find what you need, what you don't and what drugs are making things worse for you. I also felt SO much better once I was able to eat 'real' food again!
So often in situations like this we hear people say "Why does God make bad things happen to good people?". Let me clear a few things up.
1. I am NOT a good person. I'm sinful just like everyone else. The good you see in me comes from my God.
2. God does not give us our illnesses, trials and challenges. We live in a sinful, broken world. Bad things happen because of original sin. Yes, God is all powerful and can take it all away in an instant. But that's not the way he operates. To Him we aren't puppets on a string. We are his beloved children. He allows us to make choices and learn from our mistakes. He allowed Adam and Eve to make the wrong decision in the first place which is why our world is now full of disease and disaster. BUT he doesn't just dump us here in our consequences. Being the loving Father he is, he takes us by the hand and gently walks beside us, covering us with his love, peace and hope. He makes us stronger, especially as he guides us through our challenges. Isn't that what parenting's all about? PLUS he doesn't just leave us in this fallen world. He's given us the greatest gift of all- the promise of an eternity of complete healing and paradise with him in heaven.
Yes, this has been one of the worst times in my life. It's also oddly been one of the best. It's opened my eyes again to what's important. It's reminded me of how loved I am. It's reminded me that first and foremost I'm a princess- a daughter of the King. I don't need to worry about the future or dwell in the past. I don't need to stress over insignificant things that don't matter. All my trust and hope is in God. I can simply just 'be'.
Just be loved by God.
Update: I only had my colostomy bag for 5 weeks after my surgery (most of which I spent in hospital) because I kept getting terribly painful blockages. (We’re talking the pains very similar to labour here!) My surgeon suggested removing my bag and reconnecting my j-pouch earlier than they normally would have. By God’s grace everything went really well from then on. My specialists said that my recovery was “remarkable” and I was finally able to go home. Since then I’ve had a few ups and downs adjusting to my new way of life but most of the time my anxiety is non-existent and I have much better quality of life. Praise be to God!